Musings of a Karaoke Queen

Clown Terror Threat Scale

2011-04-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

In honor of April Fool’s day, I felt it was appropriate to warn everyone of the dangers posed by clowns. Clowns have traditionally caused mayhem on April Fool’s Day and it is imperative that you take every precaution necessary to protect yourself and your loved ones from their bedlam.

For that reason, I have developed the “Clown Terror Threat Scale.” As you can see, with its color coding, it closely resembles the highly effective and clearly defined terrorism threat advisory scale developed by the U.S. Government. Similarly, this scale will never be used in a political or manipulative fashion.

Clown Terror Threat Scale

Bozo - Severe risk of clown attacks. The circus is in town or known clowns are present. Take the utmost precaution in protecting yourself, loved ones and pets from pies being hurled towards the face.

Gacy - High risk of clown attacks. Be extremely cautious of hand buzzers and anyone carrying a bindle. The letters "ICP" appearing anywhere may indicate clown presence or activity.

Shakes - Elevated risk of clown attacks. Be on alert for multiple passengers in small vehicles and single passengers on unicycles. Balloon animals may be an indication that a clown is nearby. Use more precaution than usual.

Ronald - Medium risk of clown attacks. Be cautious of possible squirting flowers and those wearing oversized shoes. The rodeo may be passing through your town.

Krusty - Low risk of clown attacks. Red noses or yarn wigs may be present. "Patch Adams" may have found its way into your Netflix queue.

Currently, we are under a “Bozo” level threat. I recommend that everyone establish a clown preparedness kit including a cricket bat, potato gun, chain mace and the giant porcelain penis from A Clockwork Orange-- as well as discuss an emergency plan with your families and pets.

Remain vigilant… and carry a big stick.

Talking to Strangers

2009-12-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

Today, a friend introduced me to a fun new website. It’s http://www.omegle.com

Essentially, you log in anonymously and strike up conversations with complete strangers.

Below is a sample of how I spent my day...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey
You: is for horses
Stranger: hi
You: ho-hi-ho-- it's off to work we go.
Stranger: lol where are you from
You: Mos Eisley
You: You?
Stranger: wheres that
You: on Tattooine
You: kind of a dust bowl
Stranger: lol star wars
Stranger: im from america
You: North or South?
Stranger: north
Stranger: what do you do for fun
You: I am pretty big into wheelchair pole-vaulting these days.
You: Are you Canadian?
Stranger: nope
You: That's good. Alex Trebek is a massive tool.
Stranger: im guessing your male
You: Well, I have what some folks might refer to as a "downstairs mix-up."

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi! Do you know if midgets have knees?
Stranger: hmmm
Stranger: yes they do
Stranger: im sure
You: How about souls?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: im gonna fill oyu with cream
You: If you were an ice cream flavor, you would be pralines and dick.
Stranger: no
Stranger: u
Stranger: bitch

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hi m/f?
You: Yo—stranger. I am really happy for you logging in and all but the last stranger was the best stranger of all time.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: I fart in your general direction.
Stranger: I blow my nose in your general direction
You: I heard you blow goats. I have proof.
Stranger: I'm speechless
Stranger: another twat for the world
Stranger: good luck son....your gonna fucking need it ;)

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey sweety
You: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle..
Stranger: ??
You: When he shat it out, it was 6 feet tall and knew karate.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Yo boy boy
Stranger: Do you love Pedobear and lil children?
You: Wow. Did you just ask that? I am so calling Chris Hansen....

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey there
You: Hi. Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Stranger: No i don't. why is it so important?
You: I have a history project due tomorrow and if I don't finish it, my dad is going to make me go to military school in Alaska.
Stranger: i dont think here is a good place to get answers
You: Strange things are afoot.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Online Dating Adventures from "One of the Guys"

2008-11-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

As most of you already know, I tried my hand at online dating this year. Several of my closest friends had moved away and the social opportunities seemed less frequent. More so, I’d seen a few other friends and family members find good catches via the Internet. Even my brother who eats bark and lives on a remote island in Alaska (population 8) had managed to hook a great girl willing to do the long-distance thing with him. What the hell was I waiting for?

As someone who is absurdly selective, it seemed like a good way to at least cut through all of the bullshit first and see if core values (i.e. sense of humor) matched up. Likewise, as the girl who’s always been “one of the guys” or “just friends,” I thought my odds might increase in a pool of people who were actively looking. My friend Billy once said, “you are one of the guys but you are the luckiest guy I know because you have boobs.” I remained hopeful that there would be someone out there who appreciated that I would rather watch baseball and smoke fools in Tekken than bake, scrapbook, watch “The Hills” and host Mary Kay parties. However, that should probably be another blog…

Below is a collection of my observations and experiences online. To quote the Grateful Dead, “What a long strange trip its been.”

First off, enough with the clichés! You aren’t all laid back, honest, down-to-earth, boy-next-door, teddy bears, who live life to the fullest, take the road less traveled and have a great sense of humor. It should also go on record that the next person to message, “wink” or “break the ice” with the tagline “Life’s a garden. Dig it.” will receive a hearty dousing of my written “Round Up.” Judging by your pictures, life is a beer garden on nickel night buddy.

Speaking of profile pictures, the first dude to whip out his cell phone and take a shirtless photo of himself in the bathroom mirror needs a bullet. Why did this phenomenon spread like the cholera and dysentery that killed all of my friends on the “Oregon Trail?” What really kills me are the flexing mirror guys. Great. You have two tickets to the gun show but you are going to need both of them to get yourself and that massive ego through the door.

Equally repulsive are self-taken photos of the dude in bed. Bonus retard points if he’s showing you his “O-face.” Perhaps its my own quirky nature but I was more inclined to message the dude that took a picture of himself with his face smashed against the photocopier.

The other epidemic that kills me is “Just Looking” or even more astounding, “Married and Looking.” I’m probably over-thinking this one, when in reality its screaming “man-whore!” but here goes…

The only time I’ve ever uttered that phrase was while dodging a pushy salesperson that was trying to show me something I wasn’t interested in. Judging by the Fu Man Chu stache’ and fuzzy webcam photo showcasing your apartment littered with In-N-Out bags and beer cans (true story), I have a hard time believing that the ladies are flocking to him like the swallows of Capistrano. Yet, in this dude’s mind, they are going to be coming at him like the Persians in “300” and he needs to slow it down to a “Just Looking” pace.

Other scenarios that crossed my mind include A) He’s afraid to come to terms with the whole “online” thing. B) He’s looking to bust a cheating partner or searching for an ex or C) He truly is selective and wants to initiate first contacts. Nevertheless, I’ll go ahead and chalk this one up to “looking for something casual.” Don’t get me wrong though. I’m grateful that they put it right up there on the marquee so that I don’t waste any of my time. Hell, something must be working for them considering the number of these I see online. Perhaps there is some reverse Psychology involved or perhaps there are an equally proportionate number of skeezy chicks that go for it. Whatever the case, “soldier on” douchebags!

On the flipside, I also saw plenty of guys looking for “marriage potential.” This was, of course, completely contrary to the belief that men cannot be stage-five clingers. In the words of Wayne Campbell, “Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.” While I felt my flesh crawl upon reading this, I’ve seen an awful lot of single chicks running around the office moaning about their clocks ticking so these guys should fare well out there.

Personally, I had profiles on two different sites, Chemistry and Yahoo Personals. Surfing Yahoo Personals is a lot like riding the Greyhound bus. A bunch of stranger-than-fiction assclowns want to talk to you and you feel like you need a shower when it’s all over.

I’ve since cancelled both memberships. Chemistry felt quite a bit more secure and structured but only allowed you to view 10 profiles per day. Yahoo was just a constant barrage of oddballs that provided endless hours of entertainment to my coworkers and I. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder than a straight guy with a female alter-ego that liked to dress in drag as a Hooters waitress named “Colleen,” it did (see my blog entitled Crabs, Jacuzzis and Spandex…Oh my).

In the end, I met a couple of great people on Chemistry with whom nothing ever materialized. I only ever met up with one person from Yahoo (in my last week of membership). He turned out to be an unimaginable creep who had lied about his profession and our “coffee date” ended in hot pursuit. I took my profile offline that night and sang the praises of my Jedi-like intuition. Again, that is another blog entirely.

I’ve never had a hard time making friends and meeting people, so I’ve ultimately decided to go back to relying on the “magic that is me” when it comes to finding a partner in crime. I have to think that despite my “cooking” deficiency, I can still rely on my mad gaming skills and knowledge of the Star Wars universe (not to mention ravishing beauty) to make some guy very happy one day.

I’ll keep you posted.

Crabs, Jacuzzis, and Spandex... Oh my!

2008-11-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm totally going to H-E-double hockey sticks for this one.

The guy in the photos below (whose name has been changed and face has been crappily sprayed over in Microsoft Paint to protect the innocent) started emailing me last week via Yahoo Personals. He wrote four times before I ever responded. His pictures were so hilarious and emails so bizarre that by the fourth time he wrote, I was helplessly under his spell. I could not resist the temptation to fuck with him unmercilessly.

On 11/08/2008 05:03 pm PST, Ken wrote:

Hi Pretty Erin ….I’d like to invite you to see my Profile ..I’m Single and looking.I have a nice place in Tempe.Working in the Mechanical Engineering field.In a way just getting started.Plans for a good future.Pool, Palm Trees & a big HDTV.I’d like to meet a nice girl in the area.Send an email if you like … Ken

On 11/09/2008 12:41 pm PST, Ken wrote:
Hi Pretty Errin ….Send an email if you like … Ken

On 11/09/2008 07:25 pm PST, Ken wrote:

If you email me, I’ll definitely respond.

On 11/10/2008 08:19 pm PST, Ken wrote:

Hey Pretty Erin, Do you like Joe's Crab Shack ? Jacuzzi's and palm trees?R.S.V.P. Your Beautiful ... Ken

On 11/11/2008 01:33 pm PST, you wrote:
"Crabs, palm trees and a Jacuzzi?" Sounds like you are a mustache away from quite the porno film! I typically steer away from anything that mixes dating and crabs...

On 11/11/2008 02:18 pm PST, Ken wrote:

That's so funny! ... I'll write back when I get home. Ken

On 11/11/2008 02:53 pm PST, you wrote:

It takes a certain "physique" to be able to pull off spandex bike shorts.... Do you ride a bike or just look the part? Nevertheless, I would urge you to never light your farts on fire while wearing spandex. I don't speak from experience but I was once in the emergency room when they brought in a dude who did exactly that... and I will never escape the haunting screams I heard on the other side of that curtain. (That's a true story).

On 11/11/2008 03:46 pm PST, Ken wrote:

Hi Erin, I do ride Mountain Bikes for fun. I do about 25 miles a week.I can bike for miles without losing my breath, I just don'tget winded. Physical exercise is a regular part of my routine,weights and running. Healthy body & mind. If I meet a girl who'sinterested I'll get a 2nd nice bike for His & Her's riding together.Adventure day at the zoo with cameras and bikes? Somedayit will be 3 bikes.

I like spandex jammers .. or to be technical Spliced Jemmers.They're a favorite. Next I'll get the really small lycra briefs for tanning.

You have a good sense of humor! It seems I do too at times!

Erin: I spent two years living in Tokyo

Ken: I lived in Seoul for 1 1/2 years.

I can still read & speak it fairly well. Asians are so funny. They're all about 4 feet tall with ~ Black hair.In Korean ... I agree .. I too that way think ...I flew Helicpoter missions there in the Blackhawk.I generally choose not to fly now.

I have not dated in just over a year now so it seems time to be alittle more outgoing. I look foreward to going out sometime soon.Meeting and chatting in person is a good way to get to knowsomeone special or just have a nice evening out. How interestingthat your beautiful and intelligent. If both are single, never marriedand have no children yet it could make for a good common starting point.Well it is a dating website .. not to go off!

Mabey we could trade phone #'s and talk sometime soon? If you'd like email and tell me what you hope to find here .. R.S.V.P. Ken

On 11/12/2008 09:09 am PST, you wrote:

Ken,

I know! What are the odds of two single, never married people meeting on a dating site? I'm going to need C3Po to do the math on that one for me.

You are spot on in your descriptions of Asians as well...they are short with black hair indeed.

Spliced jammers and lycra briefs.... I have never wanted to be a bike seat so much in my entire life.

Are you by chance from New Jersey??

Although I must say...You have more balls than a pool table suggesting the possibility of children in our first email exchange! I guess now would be the time to share that I am completely self-absorbed with no desire to breed. Not to mention immature and emotionally unstable... I realize this could be a "deal-breaker."

I had a pretty long list of what I was hoping to find here but I have shortened it to a man that can open my gatorade bottles and knows the name of all four ninja turtles.

Erin

On 11/12/2008 11:01 am PST, Ken wrote:

Hi Erin! Not to be too serious there. I really am new at this. Just a quick note at lunch here.

That's cute about the bike seat, something tells me it would be a comfortable thing.

Do you like to cuddle & watch movies?I have a nice 42 inch HDTV. I can make really good kettle corn.

By the way I'm an all around good cook. Mabey a phone call would be appropriate soon?

Are you free Saturday .. I would be for you. My place is wide open.Do you like Jacuzzi's .. we could float in bubbles and laugh.Thats safe as long as you don't stay under for too long!They put lots of chlorine in it ... Back to work for me.... R.S.V.P. Ken

On 11/12/2008 01:28 pm PST, you wrote:

Ken,

Yah- if I were a bike seat I would be a super comfortable gel-filled banana seat covered in glittery vinyl. Not one of those seats that irritate your junk and cause your prostate to act up.

It's not the inches on the television that I am concerned with...

It's funny. The first time I saw your picture I immediately thought to myself "now that looks like a guy who could make a mean kettle corn!!"

As excited as you are about your wide open place and the overly chlorinated Jacuzzi, I would prefer to just stick to email. I mean, I don't even know if you are for real! There are a lot of crazies out there...

Erin